Making a good first impression
Here I’m going to help you make a good first impression – whether it’s at a job interview or a first date. A good first impression will set the tone for your relationship. And everyone wants to be liked, right? Well first you’ve got to know that people like people who are similar to them. It’s that simple. It may not be fair, but that’s how most people are. So when you’re trying to get in someone’s good graces, you need to become more like your target person, even if only on a superficial level. Yeah – fake it if you have to! Whether it’s a boss or a date, you have a vested interest in making this person happy. You don’t have to change who you are, but you need to make this person feel comfortable, too. When you sit across the table from a date, or across a desk from your boss, the first thing you need to do is mimic that person’s body language, unless their body language is highly negative. And don’t go overboard or that might creep them out. But let’s assume you’re going to a job interview and you sit down in front of a guy who has his hands folded in front of him and he’s talking in a slow and calm voice. Guess what you’re going to do? That’s right, you’re going to talk slow and clam and keep your hands folded on your lap in front of you. If you’re on a date and your date is talking about something funny, but she’s leaning forward and her eyebrows are raised and she’s whispering – you need to do the same thing. And the reason is very simple – you want that person to feel a symmetry with the person on the other side of that table – which is you in this case. They’ll feel in sync with you, and they’ll feel that you understand the conversation in the same way they do. So the first thing you need to do is to mimic your target’s body language.
And if you really want to reel someone in – you have to learn the art of being a good listener. The rules are simple, and you can practice on anyone, because everyone loves to talk. Think about it – when you have something to say, you love when someone takes the time to listen to you. Let me share a story that happened to me. I once worked for a guy who was a huge fan of golf. He dressed in golf shirts and shorts at the office. He even had television sets in his office so he wouldn’t miss a match. Now this guy had thick skin – all business, and you could never get through to him on a personal level. Well in this company I really felt I needed to connect with this guy so I could have a place in this company. So I started to read up about golf, thinking one day it might come in handy. Well it did – and sooner than I thought. My boss called me down to his office to go over some paperwork. When I came in and sat down, I noticed he was watching golf on TV. So after I greeted him, I asked, “So how’s Tiger Woods doing today?” This guy’s demeanor completely changed at that moment. He talked for 30 straight minutes about golf, barely letting me get in a word edgewise. He loved talking, and even more than that – he loved that someone was there to listen to him. People love to talk about themselves and their interests. They love to have people listen to them. I got through to him with one sentence, and then I got to him again by listening when he wanted me to. After a half an hour, the conversation was over, and I could feel that I had suddenly become someone this guy could relate to.
So the second thing to learn is the art of listening. And when you listen – don’t let your eyes wander around. Don’t GAZE at the person, but look them in the eye and concentrate on what they’re saying – and at the same time, follow the first rule by copying their body language. This lets them know that you’re paying attention and that you’re truly interested in what they have to say. In fact, you need to convince YOURSELF that you’re interested in what’s being said. Don’t check your watch, don’t interrupt, and certainly don’t change the subject. When you’re listening to someone you want to influence, you must be the ultimate listener. This will reap rewards far greater than the time you invest by simply taking an interest in what that person is saying.
Let me stop here to make another point, and that’s about disagreements. I grew up learning to debate to win at all costs. Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and they said something you were 100% sure was wrong? And they were convinced they were 100% right? Did you take them to task on it? That’s how I used to be and it really turned people off. Say you’re at a business meeting and the boss says that Abe Lincoln was the first President of the United States. Well you certainly know that’s wrong. You have 3 choices to make here. Your first choice is to tell him he’s wrong, and then you’ll have to prove him wrong in front of everyone. How do you think that’ll make him feel about you? How do you think that’ll make him feel about himself? Even if you ARE right, how do you think he’ll feel? Your second choice is to say nothing, and let it pass. This is a viable option, especially if it’s something trivial. Don’t correct someone about a minor issue. Who cares if he’s wrong? Your third choice – and this one you’ll use if you must correct him – is to put the burden of proof and doubt on yourself. “I thought George Washington was the first president, but I might be wrong. I’ll have to go look that up.” You’ve just put doubt in his mind while doubting yourself in front of the others. When you must disagree with someone, do it as gingerly as possible, while retaining the burden of proof on yourself. You’ll make the same point, but you won’t come off as a know it all.
And don’t forget the basics when you meet someone, and when you are in public in general. Be sure to smile, speak up, and speak clearly. If you ever feel that your face might be conveying the wrong message - raise your eyebrows. It’s almost impossible to frown while raising your eyebrows. Never complain about the past. The last thing a prospective boss or girlfriend wants to hear is something negative about your past. If you go on a date and start complaining or saying negative things about a past relationship, your date will wonder what’s wrong with you. If you were asked, “So why did you get divorced?” the last thing you’d want to do is say, “My wife was crazy, and all she did was nag me all day long.” Your date will wonder if there may have been a good reason your ex-wife nagged you. Keep the conversation positive.
Enunciate and don’t speak too fast. Practice enunciating at home, or into a tape recorder. Typically people don’t enunciate because they try to speak too quickly, or because they speak in a lazy manner. For a lazy speaker learning to enunciate, you may feel like you’re over-emphasizing the words. Chances are you’re not, but it will feel different, so practice and record yourself - not only speaking clearly, but also speaking in your “normal” voice. You might be surprised how much better you sound when you slow down and form your words carefully. People who talk to fast are often used to being interrupted, so they want to get their words in while they have a chance. Again, talking slowly and clearly is something you can practice anywhere and anytime.
If you’re one to use double-negatives when you speak, now is the time to stop. If you don’t know what a double-negative is, it’s when you use two negative words in the same phrase, such as, “I don’t know nothing about it,” which should be, “I don’t know anything about it.” Now there are a lot of people who use double-negatives when they speak, but for those of us who cringe when we hear it, it is a huge turn-off. If you go on a job interview and speak in double-negatives, your prospective boss might think you aren’t intelligent. I realize that many intelligent people were raised speaking that way, and think nothing of it, but whether you like it or not it will stereotype you as less intelligent. If you are a regular user of double-negatives, now is the time to start ditch that habit.
You want to stay in the good graces of someone? Don’t forget the little things. Remember people’s birthdays. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a friend tell me, “James, you’re the only one who remembered my birthday today.” And even though we’re all adults and say it doesn’t matter anymore – it really does. Just the fact that you remember will go a long way in that person’s mind. Keep a calendar or have a reminder pop up on your computer. When you’ve taken the time to remember someone’s birthday, you’ve told them they’re important to you.
And finally, never forget to dress to impress. We live in an increasingly casual society. It’s not uncommon for workplaces to allow very casual clothes. But if you want to command respect, and have others see you as special, you must dress the part. The next time you’re in public, take a look around at how people are dressed. You probably don’t even notice the casually-dressed people. But what about the people who are wearing nice clothes? You probably start to form a picture of them without knowing the true story - maybe they’re rich, probably have a good job, were raised in a formal family, etc. The way you dress in public is your absolute first impression because people will form an opinion of you based on your clothes before you even get a chance to speak.
Tags: Self Help, self improvement