wafflesatnoon.com

I originally wrote this and posted it on my original Myspace account on March 20, 2007. And of course nothing has changed, so I re-posted it on my new account in May of 2008, and now I think it belongs here. So without further delay…

By not-so-popular demand. This is more out of necessity, after seeing endless moronic Myspace douche bags out there. So how do you know if you’re a Myspace douche bag? Well if you meet any of the criteria below, you seriously need help…

You might be a Myspace douche bag if…

You post a bio that requires scrolling the window to read it all. Are you SOO freaking important that we have to read everything you feel you must bestow upon us? Our lives are incomplete without knowing ALL of your thoughts, right?
Solution: Say it in a paragraph. If anyone is interested in more, they’ll ask.

You use “your” instead of “you’re.” Are you a damn idiot? That’s third grade shit and you still don’t know any better? I can almost excuse the teenagers who are at least still in school, but not the 40 year old douche! You’re yet another example of why humanity is dying a slow death. Don’t get pissed when other cultures laugh at us, because we (well, YOU) can’t even handle the basics of our own language.
Solution: If you don’t get it now, you never will. You’re an eternal douche bag. And an idiot.

All of your top friends are hotties of the opposite sex. You do realize that some people approve all friend requests, right? A guy with a bunch of hot chicks as his top friends really doesn’t impress anyone but you. It usually means you have no real friends to put there. When you buy a picture frame, do you keep the photo that comes with it, too? I’ve even heard stories of really feeble guys who create other profiles using some random hot woman’s picture, make the profile private, and then posts comments to his main page so it looks like he is really popular. Douchified!!
Solution: Get some actual friends in your top friends so people won’t think you’re a lame Myspace troll.

You list your religion as “Christian – other” and then post all these pics of you drinking, half naked, or with every other word in your bio being “fuck” or “shit.” You know you’re not really religious, so don’t be afraid to say so. Get a backbone, will ya? Looking to hook up with a nun or something?
Solution: Just leave it off and don’t try to fool us or yourself.

You’re a guy and you say you like walks on the beach. OK, even if you DO, that just sounds completely lame and you know you’re only saying it with the faint hope that some chick will fall for it.
Solution: Say what you really like so you don’t end up taking walks on the beach when you’d rather be at home playing video games or playing with yourself.

You change your profile picture every day (or several times a day in extreme douche cases.) Come on now! Are you that important? Do you think people notice? If they do, they’re probably thinking how utterly pathetic you are to keep doing that. It only shows that you have no life.
Solution: Bite the bullet and leave one pic up for a few weeks so it at least looks like you have a life.

You have a shirtless picture of yourself. Unless it’s you on the beach or at a pool, a pic of you flexing or shirtless in your bathroom or bedroom just oozes douche. If it’s a picture of you LIFTING your shirt to show your abs – that qualifies you as a 2X Douche!
No hint available here – you’re too far gone.

You list about 200 bands in your music section. Seriously. Do you honestly expect anyone to sit there and read that? Anyone who does sit there and read that is a bigger douche than you are. No one cares that much.
Solution: List a few from each style you like and we’ll get the idea.

You’re not a band, actor, DJ, or otherwise famous person, yet you have over 500 Myspace friends. Trust me – you’re the only one who is impressed here. Really – we’re not. You don’t have that many friends in real life, so don’t pretend you do. It just shows that you have nothing better to do with your day than to sit around and troll for people to accept your friend invitations.
Solution: Try having only real friends and maybe a couple of famous people you like. It might actually reveal the true, non-douched you.

OK so now go out there, edit your page, and empty the contents of your douche-ified self.

I’m done.