Not all shoplifting is equal in the eyes of society. Stealing baby food would get you a lot more sympathy than stealing porn. But there are some items that simply aren’t worth the risk. Below is a brief list of some of those items you should never consider stealing. Not for fun, for profit, or especially out of need. We’ve included a few “bonus points” for the supreme dumb-asses who take embarrassing shoplifting to the next level.
Having a a little battle with roids, are we? Need some suppositories or tucks pads? Even toilet paper would be an awkward steal. Imagine the horror when the security guard pulls one of those items out of your jacket, or the cute check-out girl snickering at you as you stand there mortified.
A little vaginal itch? Hell, pads, tampons, or liners would also fit this bill nicely. It’s bad enough to have to buy it, but to get caught stealing it means you’re dirty and broke. Double embarrassment if you’re a guy “snatching” these items.
Yes, everyone does it, but no one wants to see you do it. Getting caught stealing porn tacks the desperate label on you, and shows that you’re about 20 years behind technology because that’s something you should be doing on your computer. Pee Wee Herman anyone?
Condoms, lube, or even Vaseline are all no-no’s. What are you, 15? If you’re too cheap to buy condoms, then you probably can’t afford a girlfriend anyway. And if she’s waiting at home while you’re in the process of being busted, you earn double points.
In retrospect, it probably would have been a good idea not to shoplift this one, as your secret is now out in a big way. Bonus points if it comes up negative.
Anything at the Dollar Store
Not only are you stealing from a dollar store, but you’re too dumb to at least shoplift at a real store. This bonehead move will surely make you the laughing stock of your jail cell. Extra points if you only took one thing.
The sad thing is that people have been busted stealing each item on this list. Shoplifting is dumb enough, but the above list truly require a “think before you act” moment of sanity. And remember, not only do you get to experience the horror at the store, but you’ll also get to re-live it in down at the police station and in front of a judge.
Filed under: Humor