You’re not perfect. No one is - even that hottie at the bar last night! Many of our flaws are something we have power over - smoking, weight loss, or a bad temper. But what about something you don’t have control over, such as a disability or even a physical feature you don’t like?These types of flaws - the ones we can’t control - are really the things that frame who we are, because how we deal with it shows the world who we are. Let me use an example… You have two men who are 35 years old and they’re both losing their hair. Guy #1 does everything he can to hide it. He grows his hair, he uses sprays, he wears hats - basically he’s embarrassed by it. Guy #2 not only doesn’t hide it, but he embraces it. He cuts his hair short and never wears a hat. He’s the first one to make a bald joke about himself if the situation comes up. Who are you going to respect more? The guy hiding his flaw or the one who embraces it and moves on? The second guy is not letting this flaw victimize him, but the first guy it.
That story is a bit humorous, but it’s a true story because I’ve been BOTH of those guys. When I started losing my hair, I tried everything I could to hide my problem. Looking back, I think it’s more embarrassing to think of what I did to hide it, than the actual problem itself. I later learned to embrace my hair loss and in a funny way, I think it has taught me many lessons in life. Think of someone like Christopher Reeve. After his terrible accident, he didn’t run and hide from the public. He put himself right there in the middle of the stage, alone, in a wheelchair for the world to see. Did you respect him LESS because of his flaw? Of course not! That man showed more strength from his wheelchair than he ever did onscreen as Superman.
Now I’m certainly not saying you shouldn’t get that nose job you’ve been saving up for over the past 5 years. But almost everyone has something they don’t like about themselves. But think about this for a minute. If you had to choose… would you rather have something physically imperfect about yourself, or something psychologically or emotionally imperfect? I’d take the physical imperfection any day. Some people have referred to their flaws as a gift because it has forced them to overcome obstacles and put life in perspective.
So take the flaws you’re stuck with and wear them as a medal of honor. The good and the bad things are what make you who you are. You correct what you can, and accept the rest. You have a lot more to worry about in this world than to worry about physical limitations you can’t control.
I used to struggle with guilt. I felt guilty when I shouldn’t, and really felt guilty when I had good reason. So if you struggle with feelings like regret or guilt, believe me when I say I understand how you feel. But what if we could take those feelings of guilt and turn them into something positive? Make them work for us rather than destroy us inside? Actually we can. Let’s say you’re a parent and you yell at your young son for something, and 5 minutes later you realize you completely over-reacted and start to feel guilty. This is the moment you must decide to let that guilt help you. After all, a valid feeling of guilt is just your subconscious way of trying to correct your behavior. So this time we’re gonna let it correct us.
When that feeling of guilt creeps into you, you start to think to yourself that you overreacted and you hurt your son emotionally for something unwarranted. We can’t go back and erase what happened, but we CAN vow not to do it again. At this moment you need to stop and tell yourself you will NEVER yell at your son again, or at least that you’ll never yell at him again unless you have a good reason. And then you’ll repeat it to yourself. So after you go apologize to your son, and maybe spend a few quality minutes with him, you’ll repeat it to yourself again. For the rest of the day, keep reminding yourself of your mistake and your promise not to make that mistake again. Think of how hurt your son looked and how bad you felt. See, this is where people make the mistake of just forgetting about it or sweeping it under the rug. Some people don’t even want to admit they were wrong - so they don’t appear to be weak. But it’s a strong person who can admit they are wrong. You need to keep that mistake in the forefront of your mind, because you know you were wrong. And here’s the important part - while you’re reminding yourself, DON’T feel guilty! The point here is not to beat yourself up about it. The point is to remind yourself WHY you felt guilty so you can avoid those feelings again. You felt guilty because you did something wrong. If you just forget about it, you’ll forget to adjust your behavior. If you remind yourself of what you did wrong, you’ll have a better chance of stopping yourself the next time you feel the urge to yell.
When you start to feel guilty about something - something you have a GOOD reason to feel guilty about - stop and make a mental note of what you did, how you felt, and promise yourself you won’t do that again. And keep reminding yourself of these things. Of course you might slip up, and that’s OK. Just let the feelings of guilt be your guide to behavior modification. You will feel stronger in the knowledge that you can and will avoid that behavior in the future.
One final note… If you’ve been made to feel guilty your entire life, or if you feel guilty about everything, then you need to sit down and think of why you’re feeling guilty and if it’s even a valid feeling of guilt - or just a conditioned reaction you were raised with. Those are deeper issues than I’m touching on here. But chances are you know the difference between valid and invalid feelings of guilt, and the valid ones can still guide you.
Waffles At Noon is not just about disbelief, skepticism, political moderation, and satire. All of that is done to help wake people up… to let go of beliefs that hold them down. Though there are articles such as my Jäger drinking log, which is purely for entertainment, my overall goal is to help people in some way.
So with that in mind, here’s an article I wrote for a website I ran about four years ago. I had a lot of positive feedback on it, so I hope you find it just as useful.
A lot of self help books, tapes, and websites exist out there with the promise of helping you achieve your goals. I have to laugh when I realize most of these “successful” self-help gurus simply made their money peddling their drivel to the lemmings of the world. Most of those end up in the bargain bin because the people who do read them realize that those promises aren’t fulfilled in those books. The worst are the websites that go on and on and ON forever about this big “secret” that they can sell you, and once you have this secret, you’ll pretty much be Superman. I can tell you what their secret is: Sell crappy self-help books, and promise that their contents contain the secrets to everything you could want in life. Cha-Ching!!
Take a look at Jim Carrey’s take on your over-the-top paid programming guru:
Anyway…Achieving your goals is more than positive thinking, and more than those lofty-but-generic goals like “I’ll improve myself every day.” You need a specific plan, and a specific goal in mind. I often ask people what they want - and their goals are vague. Just saying, “I want to make $10,000 a month” is not enough. In fact, that’s more of a RESULT of something than an actual goal, because $10,000 isn’t going to just appear in your bank account every month. You have to EARN it somehow. So let’s say you decided to start your own website, and with that you want to make $10,000 a month. So your real goal is to make $10,000 a month with this magazine, right? So what I’d like you to do is take out a piece of paper. At the top of the paper, write down your goal. Write down the one thing that would make your life better right now. It doesn’t have to be financial. It can be a better relationship with your kids, or it could be cleaning up the mess in your home. What’s the one thing that your life needs the most now? Something that is within your control to change…
So at the top of your paper, write down this goal. Don’t write down a result – such as making $10,000 a month – but write down the one thing that will make this goal happen.
Now let me ask you this… what is the one step just before that goal that will make it happen? If it’s your magazine, maybe getting a mailing list to send it to. If it’s a better relationship with your kids, maybe the final step toward your goal is working less overtime, or if your house is a mess, maybe the final step is cleaning out your garage after everything else is done. What we’re doing here is thinking backward from the ultimate goal - to the step that is required just before that goal.
After we’ve written down our next-to-last step, we need to think backwards one more step. In our magazine example, maybe the step before the mailing list is finding someone to print and mail the magazine. For our relationship example, maybe step we’ll take before working less overtime is to have a talk with your kids and set up a time to do something together. If it’s your messy house, maybe the step before tackling the garage is to have the carpets cleaned.
We’re going to keep working backwards, step by step, until we end up to where we are right now. Our last step in reverse order is to make the list you’re making now, so you’ve just completed step one on your list. Remember, our list reads from bottom to top, so the top of your list should have your ultimate goal and the bottom of your list should have step one, which is making this list on it. Number the steps from bottom to top. Now since we have just completed step 1, we’re going to move on to step 2. From now on, until Step 2 is completed, I don’t want you to worry or even THINK about your ultimate goal. All that matters is getting Step 2 completed. So our list becomes NOT a list of steps, but a list of small goals that become progressively more important. What you’re going to do is get obsessed with step 2. Focus your free time and energy on this step until you make it happen. Don’t look back to step 1 or ahead to step 3. Don’t let yourself become distracted, and DON’T look at the list and become overwhelmed if you have a lot of steps. We’re taking one step at a time, putting all of our energy into each step, and once that’s completed - we’re moving on to the next step. Each step is a goal in itself, so never worry about anything except what’s on the agenda right now. Not only will this help you focus, but you won’t feel overwhelmed, and you won’t be focused on a goal that seems to far away to achieve.
Now unlike some of those phony positive-thinker gurus out there, I’m about to say something negative. You’ll probably fail along the way, and that’s OK. A failure along the way is NOT the end of the world. In fact, it could actually help you do a better job when you do finally reach your goal. Say you’re halfway up your list when something doesn’t turn out as you expect. Say you have 10 steps on your paper, and you’re working on step 5 and something happens and step 5 is not achieved, even though you did steps 1 through 4 successfully. You’ll need to take a look at step 5 and figure out why it was a failure, and what you can do to make it work.
The path to success is never a straight line. It’s often more like a maze, with lots of curves and dead ends. When you hit a dead end, you can just give up… or back track and try another path. You will eventually work your way around the problem and move on. That’s how every successful business in this country rose to prominence.
When I was a kid, I used to love to do those mazes you get in puzzle books. Well when I hit a dead end, I didn’t just give up and put the book away, I went back and tried a different path. A book of mazes is an analogy to a set of goals in life. You keep trying until you finish, because you KNOW there is a path to success. That’s exactly how your steps are going to work. A curve or dead end is not a bad thing, and it might just make your goal that much better.
Just keep your attention focused solely on the step at hand, complete that step, and move on to the next one. Before you know it - you will have reached your ultimate goal, and when you do, I’d love to hear about it.
Here’s a great test. Go to any college or high school classroom, and ask for a show of hands. “How many of you feel you are independent thinkers?” Virtually every person in that class will raise his or her hand. But to an adult, most of those kids are all dressed relatively the same. If you really want to get to them, follow up your first question with questions like these:
• How many of you are wearing tennis shoes?
• Guys, how many of you are wearing pants?
• How many of you are wearing jeans?
• How many of you like rap or hip hop?
You could go on and on, asking them all the things young people like to listen to, wear, or eat, and you’ll get them to keep raising their hands. Pretty soon you’ll start to either hear snickers as they catch on to what you’re doing, or you’ll see defensive scowls as you have just pointed something out to them they didn’t want to hear: people aren’t as independent as they think. Especially young people who are desperate to stand out in a sea of mediocrity.
Let’s take that one step further… Ask the guys in the class how often they wear a dress in public. After the laughter dies down, everyone realizes your point. In our society, “independence” is a relative term.
I wish I could take credit for the above scenario. When I was in college, one of my humanities professors did that to my class, and even though I don’t even remember that professor’s name, his point was well taken and I’ve never forgotten it.
We already know that people tend to think more highly of themselves than others do, and this transcends into their beliefs that they are independent thinkers, when they are not. Looking at my story above, imagine a person from another country coming to yours and looking around. Certainly you would look and sound very much like the rest of your countrymen.
One of my favorite quotes related to the arts is “Insanity verges on genius” because sometimes it takes extreme thinking to be truly creative. Sometimes what is seen as “on the edge” today becomes mainstream at a later time. That’s not to say that there is anything wrong with mainstream thought. In fact, I believe mainstream thought is often overlooked - especially when it comes to weight loss - because it is considered too safe.
If you really want to push yourself intellectually, think of the story above. Think of the foreign visitor to your country. Are you just a slight variation of the people around you? Or do you think outside the box of mainstream thought in order to come up with new solutions and new ideas? This is what separates the leaders from the followers, between playing it safe and reaching higher. To play it safe is to follow all the rules, theories, and dogma society has created. To reach higher is to find new and better ways - more effiecient ways - to solve problems and improve the quality of life, whether at home or work.
Embrace mainstream thought when it works, but don’t be afraid to chuck the whole thing and think from square one. Never be afraid to suggest what might seem like an insane solution, because sometimes insanity verges on genius.
Here I’m going to help you make a good first impression – whether it’s at a job interview or a first date. A good first impression will set the tone for your relationship. And everyone wants to be liked, right? Well first you’ve got to know that people like people who are similar to them. It’s that simple. It may not be fair, but that’s how most people are. So when you’re trying to get in someone’s good graces, you need to become more like your target person, even if only on a superficial level. Yeah – fake it if you have to! Whether it’s a boss or a date, you have a vested interest in making this person happy. You don’t have to change who you are, but you need to make this person feel comfortable, too. When you sit across the table from a date, or across a desk from your boss, the first thing you need to do is mimic that person’s body language, unless their body language is highly negative. And don’t go overboard or that might creep them out. But let’s assume you’re going to a job interview and you sit down in front of a guy who has his hands folded in front of him and he’s talking in a slow and calm voice. Guess what you’re going to do? That’s right, you’re going to talk slow and clam and keep your hands folded on your lap in front of you. If you’re on a date and your date is talking about something funny, but she’s leaning forward and her eyebrows are raised and she’s whispering – you need to do the same thing. And the reason is very simple – you want that person to feel a symmetry with the person on the other side of that table – which is you in this case. They’ll feel in sync with you, and they’ll feel that you understand the conversation in the same way they do. So the first thing you need to do is to mimic your target’s body language.
And if you really want to reel someone in – you have to learn the art of being a good listener. The rules are simple, and you can practice on anyone, because everyone loves to talk. Think about it – when you have something to say, you love when someone takes the time to listen to you. Let me share a story that happened to me. I once worked for a guy who was a huge fan of golf. He dressed in golf shirts and shorts at the office. He even had television sets in his office so he wouldn’t miss a match. Now this guy had thick skin – all business, and you could never get through to him on a personal level. Well in this company I really felt I needed to connect with this guy so I could have a place in this company. So I started to read up about golf, thinking one day it might come in handy. Well it did – and sooner than I thought. My boss called me down to his office to go over some paperwork. When I came in and sat down, I noticed he was watching golf on TV. So after I greeted him, I asked, “So how’s Tiger Woods doing today?” This guy’s demeanor completely changed at that moment. He talked for 30 straight minutes about golf, barely letting me get in a word edgewise. He loved talking, and even more than that – he loved that someone was there to listen to him. People love to talk about themselves and their interests. They love to have people listen to them. I got through to him with one sentence, and then I got to him again by listening when he wanted me to. After a half an hour, the conversation was over, and I could feel that I had suddenly become someone this guy could relate to.
So the second thing to learn is the art of listening. And when you listen – don’t let your eyes wander around. Don’t GAZE at the person, but look them in the eye and concentrate on what they’re saying – and at the same time, follow the first rule by copying their body language. This lets them know that you’re paying attention and that you’re truly interested in what they have to say. In fact, you need to convince YOURSELF that you’re interested in what’s being said. Don’t check your watch, don’t interrupt, and certainly don’t change the subject. When you’re listening to someone you want to influence, you must be the ultimate listener. This will reap rewards far greater than the time you invest by simply taking an interest in what that person is saying.
Let me stop here to make another point, and that’s about disagreements. I grew up learning to debate to win at all costs. Have you ever had a conversation with someone, and they said something you were 100% sure was wrong? And they were convinced they were 100% right? Did you take them to task on it? That’s how I used to be and it really turned people off. Say you’re at a business meeting and the boss says that Abe Lincoln was the first President of the United States. Well you certainly know that’s wrong. You have 3 choices to make here. Your first choice is to tell him he’s wrong, and then you’ll have to prove him wrong in front of everyone. How do you think that’ll make him feel about you? How do you think that’ll make him feel about himself? Even if you ARE right, how do you think he’ll feel? Your second choice is to say nothing, and let it pass. This is a viable option, especially if it’s something trivial. Don’t correct someone about a minor issue. Who cares if he’s wrong? Your third choice – and this one you’ll use if you must correct him – is to put the burden of proof and doubt on yourself. “I thought George Washington was the first president, but I might be wrong. I’ll have to go look that up.” You’ve just put doubt in his mind while doubting yourself in front of the others. When you must disagree with someone, do it as gingerly as possible, while retaining the burden of proof on yourself. You’ll make the same point, but you won’t come off as a know it all.
And don’t forget the basics when you meet someone, and when you are in public in general. Be sure to smile, speak up, and speak clearly. If you ever feel that your face might be conveying the wrong message - raise your eyebrows. It’s almost impossible to frown while raising your eyebrows. Never complain about the past. The last thing a prospective boss or girlfriend wants to hear is something negative about your past. If you go on a date and start complaining or saying negative things about a past relationship, your date will wonder what’s wrong with you. If you were asked, “So why did you get divorced?” the last thing you’d want to do is say, “My wife was crazy, and all she did was nag me all day long.” Your date will wonder if there may have been a good reason your ex-wife nagged you. Keep the conversation positive.
Enunciate and don’t speak too fast. Practice enunciating at home, or into a tape recorder. Typically people don’t enunciate because they try to speak too quickly, or because they speak in a lazy manner. For a lazy speaker learning to enunciate, you may feel like you’re over-emphasizing the words. Chances are you’re not, but it will feel different, so practice and record yourself - not only speaking clearly, but also speaking in your “normal” voice. You might be surprised how much better you sound when you slow down and form your words carefully. People who talk to fast are often used to being interrupted, so they want to get their words in while they have a chance. Again, talking slowly and clearly is something you can practice anywhere and anytime.
If you’re one to use double-negatives when you speak, now is the time to stop. If you don’t know what a double-negative is, it’s when you use two negative words in the same phrase, such as, “I don’t know nothing about it,” which should be, “I don’t know anything about it.” Now there are a lot of people who use double-negatives when they speak, but for those of us who cringe when we hear it, it is a huge turn-off. If you go on a job interview and speak in double-negatives, your prospective boss might think you aren’t intelligent. I realize that many intelligent people were raised speaking that way, and think nothing of it, but whether you like it or not it will stereotype you as less intelligent. If you are a regular user of double-negatives, now is the time to start ditch that habit.
You want to stay in the good graces of someone? Don’t forget the little things. Remember people’s birthdays. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve had a friend tell me, “James, you’re the only one who remembered my birthday today.” And even though we’re all adults and say it doesn’t matter anymore – it really does. Just the fact that you remember will go a long way in that person’s mind. Keep a calendar or have a reminder pop up on your computer. When you’ve taken the time to remember someone’s birthday, you’ve told them they’re important to you.
And finally, never forget to dress to impress. We live in an increasingly casual society. It’s not uncommon for workplaces to allow very casual clothes. But if you want to command respect, and have others see you as special, you must dress the part. The next time you’re in public, take a look around at how people are dressed. You probably don’t even notice the casually-dressed people. But what about the people who are wearing nice clothes? You probably start to form a picture of them without knowing the true story - maybe they’re rich, probably have a good job, were raised in a formal family, etc. The way you dress in public is your absolute first impression because people will form an opinion of you based on your clothes before you even get a chance to speak.